by Wynk Team
‘Tis finally the season to curl up with all of the coziest classics. Unlike in real life, one of the most comforting things about Christmas movies is how they always have a way of working out in the end. Even so, it wouldn’t be a Christmas movie without plenty of candy-striped chaos. Whether the hero of the day is a reindeer with a little red nose, or Santa Claus himself, a Christmas movie always has to have one. But what if there were an alternate universe where a garden seltzer could have been the hero by trading friction and tension for more lighthearted holiday moments?
Elf
When Buddy unexpectedly learns that he’s an adopted human and not an elf as he believed his entire life, he sets off in search of the truth. The truth takes him to New York City, where his father Walter is a successful children’s book publisher who has no idea he exists. Father and son’s initial meeting doesn’t quite go as Buddy had planned, as Walter has him thrown out of his office building when he attempts to introduce himself. Publishing is a high-stress job, and discovering you have a full-grown adult son that wears an elf costume is not exactly comforting. Breaking the ice over a couple of Wynks could have curbed Walter's temper.
Home Alone
The trouble starts when Kevin is sent to the attic by his mother as a punishment for ruining their family dinner, even though he’s the one that’s been picked on by the other kids, which he tries to tell her to no avail. In his attic exile, Kevin makes a fateful wish for his family to disappear, and because it’s Christmas, it’s granted, and even more chaos ensues. If all the adults just had a Wynk with their pizza, they likely wouldn't have noticed that—or instigated—any cousin drama. The story could have ended before it began. If Mrs. McCallister had only listened, the entire family would have made it to Christmas in Paris, and Harry and Marv would have been at home sipping seltzer in front of a fireplace instead of staging a robbery.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Being obsessed with having the perfect Christmas can only lead to disaster. Clark Griswold only has the best intentions for his family’s holiday, but the harder he tries, the more chaos he unwittingly causes around him. Unluckily for him, as family members descend on his household, an even ruder awakening awaits: instead of receiving the cash bonus he needs to pay for a swimming pool, his boss Frank gives him a Jelly of the Month subscription. In an effort to help, cousin Eddie kidnaps Frank, who admits to canceling the bonuses but reinstates them under pressure. Eddie got the job done in the end, but had some Wynks been passed around, a Christmas visit from SWAT could have been avoided.
Eight Crazy Nights
In this Hanukkah classic, Davey Stone, played by Adam Sandler, is a washed-up 33-year-old alcoholic whose entire community hates him. On the first night of Hanukkah, as a sentence for his most recent misdeeds, Davey is ordered to fulfill community service hours as an assistant volunteer referee. Though he does clean up his act in the end, Davey’s selfish and aggressive behavior while binge drinking prevents the people around him from getting to know who he truly is. If Davey had developed a taste for THC seltzer instead of his preferred adult beverages, he could have redeemed himself in the town’s eyes by organically coming to discover a love for community service, rather than having to be sentenced to it.
Bad Santa
Bad Santa could have been called "Better Santa" if instead of diving into Christmas with booze and bitterness, Billy Bob Thornton had kicked off his day with a calming sip of Wynk. This Santa isn’t just bad, he’s the worst, and coincidentally not even a real Santa at all. In actuality, he’s a career criminal named Willie masquerading as a department store Santa, casing malls to rob on Christmas Eve with his co-conspirator Marcus. Willie raises alarm bells when they’re hired at Saguaro Square Mall, and cross paths with a young boy named Thurman that believes he is actually Santa, and asks him for protection from the skateboarding bullies that taunt him. Instead of helping, Willie steals Thurman’s dad’s car, proving just how bad of a Santa he is. The final straw for Marcus, marking a turning point in their relationship, is when alcoholic Willie shows up to work inebriated, ruining the store’s entire Christmas display with his sloppiness. Willie does get his act together and turn his life around, revealed by an epilogue he narrates from a hospital bed. But would it have come to that point if he had just had Wynk?
A Christmas Story
So many classic Christmas stories involve things going terribly wrong when a frazzled parent loses their temper, and the Christmas story of all Christmas stories, A Christmas Story, is no different. Ralphie’s parents have a lot on their minds: a busted furnace, a fishnet-wearing leg-shaped table lamp, a blown tire, and then some. All Ralphie has on his mind is a BB gun, which he asks for repeatedly, rightfully denied each time with warnings of the potential danger to his eyes. On Christmas morning, the last box he opens is his brand new rifle, which he immediately runs outside to test. The bullet ricochets, knocking off his glasses, but barely sparing him from more serious injury. A gun being the reason for his best Christmas ever is kind of the whole point, but his parents having wine for breakfast on Christmas morning might have been why they thought that leaving their child unsupervised with a BB gun was chill. At the very least, we can probably fairly hypothesize that a few Wynks had by The Old Man and Mother during the holiday season probably could have saved Ralphie's glasses.
Christmas movies are caricatures, so hopefully, your own holiday plans don’t go anything like these, even when the day does get saved. It’s fun to imagine how these films would have fared if the characters had been unable to unwind with garden seltzers and take some of the stress out of Stressmas. In real life, Wynk’s dream team combination of THC and CBD are there to save the day with a little peace in each sip.
